the silver wolf prince

My sister and I share a special bond. Part of what makes it special is the weird humor that we share and the way we interact with each other. Over the years we have filled our conversations with inside jokes and obscure characters that have carried us through various phases of our lives.

For example, there was Spunker. Our imaginary helicopter that could transcend the laws of time and space, transporting us anywhere at any moment. When Bing lived far from home and we’d be on the phone missing each other’s company a little more than usual, one of us would say, “I’ll grab Spunker and meet you at so-and-so at 11 o’clock.” Well 11 o’clock would be in an hour and she’d be 700 miles away. It kept us laughing and brought a childlike sense of comfort to us both at the time.

Another character we often referred to was the Silver Wolf Prince.

She thought of this one all on her own. Our perspectives of him might be different, but the Silver Wolf Prince to me was a mysterious, magical, handsome half-wolf half-man. He’d lurk in the trees that surrounded our house and come tapping on our windows under a wintery, moonlit sky, ready to sweep us away into the night on an adventure. This prince apparently couldn’t make up his mind, though, because he bounced back and forth between us during our shared experience of being single.

Now that my sister is happily married, I guess I have him all to myself now.

He’s been tucked into the back corner of my mind for a while, but these days I’m reminded of him as friends and family members find their own Silver Wolf Princes. I video chat and hear about confessions of love, first meetings, important conversations. I gush over dates set for marriage ceremonies and plans for trips together. I want that, I think, immediately followed by an Am I even ready for it?

Always, I wanted marriage. Or at least the idea of it.

I wanted the full-blown commitment. The exchanging of rights and responsibilities. The building and adjusting of a shared life. The broad umbrella that is intimacy — one that covers a thousand little ways of forming it. Generally speaking, I’m convinced the craving for companionship is something innately within us as human beings. A craving that cannot be fulfilled by even those closest to us. Not a parent, sibling or best friend can fill that distinct role because it requires a distinct person.

Islam paints an all-encompassing picture of marriage. A verse we loOOoOoove to caption our engagement pictures and print on wedding invitations is the one about God creating us in pairs. And it’s not just us as in mankind but “all things that the earth produces, … and other things they don’t know” [Surah Ya-Seen, Verse 36]. There are pairs even on a molecular level; a proton has its anti-proton, an electron is coupled with a positron, and a neutron possesses an anti-neutron. Side note: I find it incredible that verses divinely revealed 1400 years ago science confirmed much later on in the 1900s.

Though I back the word of God, that doesn’t translate to me believing in Disney’s version of “soulmates” per say. I don’t buy the idea that there is only one person in this world that you can be compatible with. If there are 7 billion on earth, odds are at least 50 of them could work significantly well for you. What I do believe is that there is, indeed, someone for literally and precisely everyone.

The Quran splits marriage into two sides: one that is more practical and straightforward (“Hey, I know you have a need to plant your seed somewhere, so get married before you do.”) and the other which caters to the emotional benefits, calling spouses a “clothing” or covering for one another. A sanctuary of comfort where love and mercy reside. Basically your spouse should be your home. Wherever they are, that’s where you naturally gravitate and where you are most at ease. It takes me back to a post I came across from Debby Ryan after she got engaged to the drummer of Twenty One Pilots and visit from time to time just to bask in her words: “He is where all the voices narrow into one sound. My only simplicity, where the important things are clear and the other things aren’t that important. He’s my heart outside my body. He’s a cold water awakening and a warm bed; he’s the place I can rest.” Sheesh. What an impression to make on someone.

To close off the point, God links this very connection back to Him. The uniquely powerful bond and concept of spouses is a sign of His existence for those who ponder, He says. I’ve heard marriage be watered down to an unnecessary government binding or a misogynistic tool to control women or an eventual divorce once the spark fades, but in actuality marriage is a miracle. It’s a miracle of there being a higher power orchestrating the meeting and uniting of two souls.

Outside of the religious lens: Michelle Obama called marriage a way to “formalize a commitment,” which I also think is a great and refreshing way of putting it.

I’m in a comfortable spot in life right now. Loneliness doesn’t consume me or cloud my judgment, and I don’t feel any envy towards others who do have their companion. I celebrate them while I work on myself — something people advise you to do in the meantime.

A consistent prayer of mine is that I am gifted a better and more realistic version of that character my sister and I made up. I also pray for others wanting and searching for the same, and possibly have been for years with no end in sight. Being in a romantic relationship isn’t and shouldn’t be the end goal for anyone. It doesn’t diminish a person’s worth if they aren’t taken or validate them if they are. But there is no shame in desiring it and saying that you do. There also shouldn’t be any shame for someone who is in their late twenties, 30s or 40s and hasn’t found the right person or chooses not to be married. We need to quit with the judgement and pity. A reprogramming of our brains might be needed in order to stop thinking that a partner makes a person complete. People are complete on their own anyways.

Here’s to my sister, who is my soulmate if there exists one. And here’s to the Silver Wolf Prince I have yet to meet.